A few years ago, Charles Duhigg thought he was an excellent communicator.

He was a journalist. He had a Pulitzer Prize. His job was literally to communicate.

Then he became a manager at the New York Times newspaper, where he'd been working.

"I discovered I had no idea what I was doing … I would fail to hear what people were really trying to tell me [and] I couldn't get across what was important to me," he tells ABC RN's All in the Mind.

"I really wanted to connect with these people and I wanted us to work together as a team. I couldn't figure out what was going wrong."

So he began to investigate. He interviewed people he deemed to be "supercommunicators": CIA recruiters, NASA psychologists, researchers and more.

He learned these people weren't born having great conversations and communicating effectively; they'd just honed a set of skills — and Duhigg says anyone can learn them.

More questions, more laughing

There are several habits supercommunicators share, Duhigg says.

In conversation, they tend to ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person. They also laugh more, to show they like what you're saying.

And they ask deep questions about a person's values, beliefs or experiences. For example, if you've just asked someone what they do for a job, a deep follow-up question could be, "Did you always want to be/do that?" Or, "What do you love about your job?".

"What I'm really asking you to do is talk about your experiences, what brought you to this place, your beliefs," Duhigg says.

"It's really powerful."

Supercommunicators also use a technique called "looping for understanding".

That involves asking a question, listening to the response, repeating back in your own words what you've heard the other person just say and, finally, asking if you got it right.

"What's important is to prove to you that I'm listening," Duhigg says.

People want to feel heard

The power of listening is something Beverley Wang knows a lot about.

As host of ABC RN's Stop Everything! and co-presenter of Life Matters, her job is to nurture and lead powerful conversations every day, including those which are personal or political — and everything in between.

Even when she might disagree with what someone's saying, she's learned the power of letting that person know she's listening.

Again, reflecting back what's been said to her — which doesn't necessarily mean showing agreement — is an important way of doing that.

"I think it's very validating for people to feel like they've been heard," Wang says.

"That's what people want; it's a very fundamental, universal thing.

"Sometimes people trade opinions or views on something, and disagreement can be taken personally. It's understandable, because you're kind of putting a piece of yourself out there."

But Wang's job has taught her that being less reactive is more productive, and that there's power in asking deeper questions, like: "What do you mean by that?"

"It's learning that middle path of eliciting more from others — not necessarily making it about yourself — and taking time to listen, and not being quick to anger."

She says open-ended questions are really important to open up conversations on difficult topics in particular. That's asking questions like: "What do you think about that?' or, "That's interesting, tell me more" or "Why do you think that?"

Wang also believes there is huge value in letting people "have their pauses" in a conversation, and not jumping in to fill a silence — something a lot of people struggle to resist.

"Let the silence sit there if it needs to," she says.

"Don't rush to fill the space. You're allowed to think — in any situation. As I get older I'm also like, I don't have to have an opinion or a thought or a reaction to this right now. I'm actually going to come back to this one tomorrow.

"It's OK to slow down the pace of the conversation."

Make sure you're having the same conversation

Another tip for having better conversations is getting clear on exactly what kind of conversation you're having.

Duhigg recalls a time when he'd return home from a tough day at work and complain to his wife about his difficult boss.

His wife would offer practical advice like: "Why don't you take your boss out to lunch and get to know each other better?"

But Duhigg would just become more upset.

"I'd say, 'You're supposed to have my side on this, I want you to be outraged on my behalf.' And then she would get upset because I was acting so irrationally."

He presented this dilemma to some of the experts he interviewed for his book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.

"They said we tend to think of a discussion as being about one thing; you know, that plan for our vacation or what to do about our taxes.

"But actually, every conversation is multiple kinds of conversations."

There are practical ones, in which we have to make decisions or solve problems, and emotional ones, which might be more about just listening and empathising.

Duhigg realised he was coming home and having an emotional conversation, while his wife was having a practical one. Both are valid, but because the two weren't having the same kind of conversation, they couldn't hear each other.

"That's what need[ed] to change," he says.

Making communication changes and building conversation skills can have a remarkable impact on the way we interact with each other, Duhigg says.

"If I just listened like literally half an inch more deeply, I'm going to hear you telling me things about yourself that are amazing."

They say birds of a feather flock together, but at a wildlife park in greater Hobart, a slightly unconventional friendship has proven the proverb wrong.

Since moving into the same mixed-species enclosure at Bonorong Wildlife Sanctuary about six months ago, a red-tailed black cockatoo and a musk lorikeet have become inseparable.

It's a pairing no-one quite expected, including sanctuary director Greg Irons.

"I can't say I've ever seen a relationship like that between species," Mr Irons said.

"I always have to stop and look at them when they're snuggled up together because they're just so happy."

Mr Irons said he was initially nervous about the friendship due to the pair's size difference, with the team asked to keep an eye out for aggression.

As it turned out, that wasn't what they would witness at all.

"It was affection that we were seeing," he said.

A few hours after musk lorikeet Raphael was moved into the large enclosure with George the cockatoo, the smaller bird was nowhere to be seen.

"And [then] he pops out from under George's wing," Mr Irons said.

"They've just been inseparable ever since."

An instant bond formed

Mr Irons said both birds had shown no interest in rooming in with their own species.

Attempts to buddy up George with other cockatoos proved futile, with George instead favouring the attention of adoring visitors.

Raphael also had trouble fitting in when housed with the sanctuary's lorikeets.

Mr Irons said the bond between the two different-sized birds was immediate.

"He just went straight to George," he said.

"I've seen plenty that tolerate [each other], might interact but not showing signs of affection almost like they're mates.

"Raphael's probably more obsessed with George than the other way round, but I've seen George sneak over for a cuddle as well on a cold night."

Pair now inseparable

The two best friends do spend time apart to eat and explore, but they are never separate for long.

"It's never really more than five minutes before one will check in," Mr Irons said.

He said Raphael has even been known to use his pal to protect him from rainy weather.

"Usually, Raphael will go and take shelter somewhere but he took shelter under the wing of George," Mr Irons said.

"[He's] sort of like a best friend and umbrella." 

"It's those sort of little things … those moments where you don't really know what is happening between them but for us it still feels really special."

Friendship a win for conservation

Mr Irons said aside from the positive friendship the birds shared, the pair's connection will have longer-lasting, positive implications for conservation.

"It's all about connection, and connection with an animal leads to wanting to help and wanting to protect them." he said.

"The amount of people who are just bamboozled, particularly when they're just looking at the black cocky and the little musk lorikeet pops out and it's almost like a jack-in-the-box.

"I love seeing that interaction, knowing it inadvertently helps [people care] about these animals."

In today's installation of Staying Upright, two women – one in her 20s, one in her late 60s — who have, in the midst of pain and uncertainty, found that crochet gives them a stillness, solace and peace.

Sarah Lulu Faith refuses to use conventional terms like sick or ill, when she is feeling unwell. She prefers the term "reduced fabulousness".

When you meet her, as I did recently in Newcastle, you quickly understand – she wears a riot of colours with bright lipstick, has a big, open grin, and the air of someone with an innate capacity to see and emit joy.

When she was in her mid-60s she experienced "severely reduced fabulousness". After decades working in welfare she had been made redundant because of her health, in and out of hospital and then isolated in her home on the mid-north coast of NSW during the pandemic.

In response, she began to crochet, and found she gained a curious strength from it.

"The repetitive, mindful nature of working the stitches, watching the project grow, however haltingly, kept me largely sane. More than sane, it provided comfort, expression and soothed my bruised soul."

Twenty-nine-year-old Maddie Taylor-Harris, who crochets daily, concurs. She taught herself how to stitch when she was a teenager, and in the subsequent years, as she has managed a number of chronic illnesses — including chronic fatigue, chronic pain and neurological problems — crochet has taken a greater importance in her life.

Maddie has not been able to study or work for years, and lives with her parents in Elphinstone in regional Victoria.

During the long lockdown of 2020, her pain and fatigue forced her to give up her jobs and her studies; she was then diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Before long, she needed assistance to shower, was forced to spend days in bed, and received another diagnosis — functional neurological disorder (FND), confirming that her brain pathways were malfunctioning.

She continued to loop stitch after stitch, day after day, making beanies, blankets, stuffed toys, purses, shawls, bookmarks, a dog coat and Christmas decorations, instinctively seeing that moving her fingers was helping her move through her day.

Faith decided her practice was even helping her breath stabilise. Due to a lung condition and brittle asthma, breathing can be a source of huge difficulty for Faith, but she became aware that her "breathing regulated itself with the tempo of the crocheting", which she describes as: "Magic. Really."

Psychologist Sahra O'Doherty recently told the Guardian repetitive tasks make "our heart rate and breathing even out" and lower our blood pressure.

Faith – who has reached the age she now broadly calls "Queenager" — started a "yarners group" for women to talk. And talk they do, about everything and nothing, from trauma to tea, while they knit or crochet.

Crochet is more than craft — research shows its true therapeutic value

Funny isn't it, how long we've adhered to the stereotype of knitters as doddery, sweet grandmothers, as though the activity itself was a sign of ageing, dismissed as useless frippery and distraction – not what it actually is, which is useful and mindful.

While breath experts and "wellness warriors" throng on social media, posing on yoga mats, in ice baths and on headlands, often charging small fortunes to tell people how to fill and empty their lungs, how to learn to be present and focused, the steady click of needles on the couches of Australia might serve as a reminder that knitters have been on to this stuff for a very long time.

A recent research paper titled "Happy Hookers: findings from an international study exploring the effects of crochet on wellbeing" looked at more than 8,000 people (almost all women) in 87 countries, who crochet. It found nine in 10 felt calmer after doing it, while 82 per cent reported feeling happier and 75 per cent felt more useful. Many crocheted to manage mental health and help process "grief, chronic illness and pain".

And Maddie found it too

As Maddie has slowly improved, she can now shower herself, do her own laundry and drive for 15 minutes at a time, as long as she has long spells of rest – lying in bed without screens or books, just closing her eyes and listening to audiobooks– she has found crochet to be a significant aid in managing her condition.

The "flow state" that knitters and crocheters achieve is not about escapism, she says: "Crocheting makes me hyper-aware and engrossed in a task, it enhances my senses.

"It takes me out of my thoughts and sensation of feeling pain and fatigue, and gets my brain to focus on something else in a very soothing and calming way  … doing a task that requires half of my attention and focus, helps to put my mind at ease and makes it easier to sit with my pain and emotions.

"I'm not sure how, but I believe that it lowers my pain levels, because when I don't crochet for a week or two, my pain levels increase. It sounds strange, I know. It also means that I can still do it and benefit from it on my bad days."

Maddie finds "the rhythmic motion of moving the hook and holding the yarn very calming and somehow addictive", and it gives her a sense of achievement, "especially on days where I'm mostly in bed or can't go outside. It is satisfying to complete a few rows or another square, even when I'm not able to do much else. I also do a lot less social media scrolling!"

Interest in skills like knitting and crochet have rocketed in recent years, with many more young women, and some men, professing a love of the fibre arts — with COVID exacerbating this trend.

"If you think about mindfulness, [any of those activities] are very meditative, repetitive and calming for people and it's no surprise that knitting, crocheting, quilting all have therapeutic benefits," says Scientia Professor Kaarin Anstey, director of the UNSW Ageing Futures Institute.

Those who knit and crochet have been derided as simply doing “women’s craft” – in other words, instead of being recognised for canniness when it comes to mental health. Knit, purl, cast off pain.

Another study from the University of Gothenburg, published just last month in the Journal of Occupational Science, found knitting brings calm and structure to people suffering mental illness.

Researchers analysed 600 posts collected from the international online fibre arts forum Ravelry and found knitting helps people unwind, gives them an identity and social network, and helps structure their days. Some found their mind cleared and thinking became easier whilst knitting. Some of the comments cited include:

"The nurses were wanting to give me [an anti-anxiety medication] until I told them that I preferred knitting for the anxiety. She stopped, looked at me, and said, 'That's much healthier than drugs.' Ya think?"

"When my parents convinced me to go to the walk-in centre at the hospital, I was knitting while I sat crying next to my mother in the waiting room. I carried on knitting all the way through the entire hour … I've now adjusted my medication but knitting is still my best tool for reducing stress."

"While my hands are busy doing something, my mind slows to a crawl, and I am actually able to think about one thing at a time … rather than having 20-30 threads all going at once."

But Maddie expresses it best. For her, the quiet practice of crocheting – her form of mindfulness — has heightened her connection to nature.

"I have become a deep observer of my natural surroundings. For example, I no longer see just a tree, I see the subtleties of the light through the branches, the wind in its leaves, its twisted branches, a bird on its branch. At the moment, I'm enjoying the subtle, soft and yellow autumn light, something van Gogh spoke about a lot."

Because of her illness, she can't get out much, she says, "but I don't have to leave my house or property to experience a wonder and deep connection to nature.

"I love observing natural beauty and accepting that it isn't perfect but is still beautiful anyway. I am able to sit and just be. This gives me joy and it is special to connected to something bigger.

"It was only when reading about the crochet research, that I was able to connect the dots and the reason for this enhanced connection to nature. I am very grateful for this."

This is part of a regular series called Staying Upright, where I explore how humans manage to persist, despite everything. Feel free to contact me here.